


Hearing Silence

by MilliesSong (SirensSong)



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Implied Emperor Hux, M/M, Mentions of Character Death, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-08-13 08:30:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7969678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SirensSong/pseuds/MilliesSong
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything goes exactly to plan, until it doesn't. Realizations take some time to sink in. </p><p>For the prompt, "I can't breathe, I can't-".</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hearing Silence

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by the lovely RottenRice, who I love dearly for letting me drag him into the Kylux fandom with me.

Everything that day had gone entirely to plan.

It was astounding, actually, how easily it had all gone, exactly as it was supposed to, Hux’s planning working down to the smallest detail. Kylo hadn’t doubted Hux’s tactical skills in the slightest, no, he had doubted his own strength. He’d thought he would falter when it came time to play his part, but he hadn’t. Snoke had fallen in front of him with an ease Kylo would never have dared to even consider. 

He’d turned around, afterward. Smiled. There was blissful silence in his mind, and Hux was there, waiting for him with a pleased smile as well. They’d won. Escaped. The Order was in their hands, now, in Hux’s more than capable hands. Hux would step up into Snoke’s position, as the new Emperor, and Kylo would serve as his protection and the force behind his tactical brilliance. 

Everything had gone exactly to plan, and the future looked like it was supposed to. But laying in bed, trying to sleep, the silence in Kylo’s head turned against him. He couldn’t sleep, which on its own wasn’t unusual, but in general that lack of sleep was because he hadn’t burned off enough energy that day. That wasn’t the case tonight. Turning over, Kylo could just make out Hux’s form on the bed next to him, sleeping soundly. It was the first time in weeks Hux had slept so peacefully, no longer plagued with dreams of everything that could go wrong. Kylo was loathe to wake him, so he brought his hand back before he could touch Hux’s cheek, not even realizing until then that he’d reached out for the other man.

Kylo turned back over, gazing out the viewport that took up most of the wall. It did nothing to settle his mind, or rather, to fill the now stifling silence. It had been fine during the day, his mind filled with Hux and the success of their coup and all the planning they had to do now. Now, with Hux asleep and everything around him silenced, all he could focus on was the utter stillness. Snoke had been in his mind for longer than he could remember, and he’d never known, couldn’t possibly have prepared himself for what it would be like to suddenly have his mind to himself. 

The silence did nothing but stretch, and for a few moments, Kylo considered getting up, doing something. But he was exhausted from his fight with Snoke and quickly discarded the thought of a workout. Pushing himself more wasn’t going to help him sleep, and if Hux woke and found him in one of the training rooms, he’d undoubtedly get a lecture about it. At the moment, he was far from in the mood to listen to Hux berate him for anything, even if he knew it was because he made Hux worry for his health.

As time passed, the quiet became more oppressive. He’d killed Snoke. Killed his master. And he’d killed his father, too. Probably killed his mother in spirit at the same time. He didn’t regret many of the deaths he was responsible for, but Han Solo’s death had been senseless. Kylo could barely believe he’d actually thought it would make him stronger, to kill his own father. Snoke would have had him kill Hux, too, undoubtedly for the same reason. Cutting off emotional ties, making sure there was no one for him to give his loyalty to. 

The quiet of his mind was going to drive Kylo insane, he was sure of it. 

There was sudden movement behind him, Hux probably just shifting in his sleep, and Kylo curled up further into himself, covering his mouth with one hand. He didn’t want to wake Hux, but he was breathing heavily, emotions threatening to get the better of him. His eyes stung, too, throat tight with impending tears. Stars, he was pathetic. Everything was going right for him, and yet here he was, unable to get himself under control like always, on the verge of tears for absolutely no reason other than the quiet of his own mind.  
Hux settled again behind him, and Kylo let out a sigh of relief. Or, it was supposed to be a sigh of relief. Instead, it caught in his throat and came out in what was undeniably a sob, loud and ugly in the silence around him. And once the first one broke, it was impossible to hold back the rest.

Before long, Hux was shifting behind him again, a hand touching his shoulder with a quiet, “Ren?”

Hux still sounded half asleep. Kylo closed his eyes, ignoring the question and the hand on his shoulder, clenching his teeth in an effort to at least keep himself quiet. He’d woken Hux, which was great, exactly what he’d been trying not to do. He should have gotten up long before, at least then one of them could have gotten the sleep they both needed.   
“You’re shaking,” Hux said, obviously more awake now.

“Go back to sleep, Hux,” Kylo said, but his voice betrayed him just as much as his body and mind were, and the words came out thick, his voice cracking shamefully.   
“I’m not going to roll over and leave you like this,” Hux scoffed, but his voice was still soft. Relief swept over Kylo, because he wasn’t sure he could handle it if Hux had just ignored him and gone back to sleep, and that just made him feel all the more pathetic. “Tell me what’s wrong, Ren.”

Kylo didn’t answer, and Hux stayed quiet for a few moments, half sitting up and keeping one hand on Kylo’s shoulder. In the silence, knowing Hux was listening and watching him fall apart, like a child, Kylo just found it that much more impossible to bring himself under control. 

Before long, Hux’s patience gave out, and Kylo found himself turned over forcibly. His breathing was increasingly more staggered, each breath harder than the last to draw in, until he wasn’t crying so much as he was hyperventilating. Hux was sitting up, dragging at his shoulders, fingers almost painful as they dug into the muscles of his arms and upper back. Kylo could barely feel it, even as he gave in and allowed himself to be pulled up into a sitting position as well, keeping his back curved and head bowed. 

“Breathe, Ren,” Hux said, and it was obviously an order, even though his voice was still soft.

“I can’t breathe,” Kylo managed to say, his chest far too tight to allow anything but the most shallow inhale, and even those hurt. “I can’t-” His breath caught on another sob, and he choked on the words, bringing his hands up to bury in his hair, pulling at it sharply in a vain hope that causing himself pain somewhere else might serve to ground him some.   
“Easy, Ren, you need to calm down,” Hux pressed, and there was a note of urgency to his voice now. He was running one hand over Kylo’s bare back, pulling his hands away from his face with the other. “Come on, sit up. You’re panicking, love. What has you so upset?”

Kylo let himself be manipulated without a fuss, more focused on trying to breathe, though he was having very little luck there. Besides, how was he supposed to explain this to Hux when he didn’t even know what exactly was happening? “It’s quiet,” he said finally. “It’s so quiet, Hux. Everything is too quiet. I can’t stand it.” The words were broken and stilted, interrupted by his attempts to catch his breath, but Hux was quiet as he got it all out.

“What do you mean it’s too quiet?” Hux asked as soon as it was clear Kylo had finished speaking. He shifted slightly, one of his hands curling around the side of Kylo’s neck, searching his face in the dark for some kind of indication because Kylo had never had issues with the quiet before, not that he knew of.

“My head,” Kylo said, forcing himself to meet Hux’s gaze for a few moments, and then shifted forward, dropping his forehead onto Hux’s shoulder and giving in to what he wanted, clinging to the slighter man and relaxing just a little bit as Hux’s arms slid around him in response. “He was always there, and now he’s gone, and it’s just so much silence.”

Kylo hadn’t thought to mention that quiet in his head and how blissful it had been at first, but Hux still seemed to understand, breathing sharply as everything seemed to make sense finally.

“Okay,” Hux said, gentle now, more so than Kylo could really ever remember hearing him. “All right, Ren. We’ll find a way to fill the silence until you get used to it. For now, you need to try and sleep, and we’ll fix this in the morning.” 

Everything feeling numb, Kylo nodded. His limbs all felt heavy, and rationally he knew it was from oxygen deprivation, but that didn’t make it any easier to calm his breathing. Hux kept talking, though, giving him something to focus on, and it was easier to force himself to relax when he was being held, even if it did make him feel that much more pathetic.  
Slowly, Kylo’s breathing deepened again. It left his chest aching in a rather unpleasant way, and the numbness faded far too slowly for his liking. He didn’t know how long they sat like that, Hux’s hands smoothing over his back and through his hair, soothing voice washing over him and filling all his senses with nothing but Hux. Eventually, Kylo lifted his head from where he’d dropped it against Hux’s shoulder, unwinding his arms from around the other man’s back to rub at his face, a self-depreciating laugh escaping him. “Sorry, Hux,” he mumbled. “I didn’t mean to wake you. I know you were exhausted.”

“It’s fine,” Hux soothed immediately, and in the dark, Kylo could make out the briefest of smiles. “You should have woken me up sooner, we could have done something to avoid this before you got too deep in your thoughts.”

“I didn’t realize until it was too late,” Kylo admitted. “I didn’t expect it to get bad like that. It felt so good at first, to have my mind as my own, and then it just got to be too much.”

Shifting, Hux leaned over to pick up something from the bedside table, and a moment later the soft light of his datapad lit up the room. He propped up some of the pillows on the bed, then, and reclined against them as Kylo watched him, confused. “Come here,” he said, once he had settled, and Kylo went without protest. He tucked himself in against Hux’s side, head resting on his shoulder. Much to his surprise, Hux started to read out loud from the datapad. His voice was soothing in its familiarity, and it gave Kylo something to focus on. Before long, he let his eyes close, exhaustion dragging at him. Even after he’d fallen asleep, Hux continued reading for a time. It was only once he was certain Kylo was deeply asleep that he shifted to kiss his brow, smoothing his hair back from his face. 

“Sleep well, Ren,” he said quietly, then turned back to the datapad. He set it aside and settled in to go back to sleep as well, but not before ordering a small personal radio to keep in their quarters, to play at night.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted as a fill for the prompt "I can't breathe, I can't-" on tumblr. If you want, come chat with me at pendragonbeast.tumblr.com.


End file.
